What would you erase, take back, eradicate? That stupid comment at the last party, that failing grade junior year of high school, your college boyfriend?
I am driving my children to and from camps. Without a working radio in the car, I reflect. I see a man with a lilting gait crossing the street. He reminds me of my high school boyfriend. Its awkward now, when I see him. He is married to the girl I always suspected he liked rather than me. I am happy for them both and even happier for me that I married Tim. What I am not happy about is that fact that the old flame has seen me naked. Would I take that back? Well. Would I be here if it hadn't happened at all? If we had only remained friends and not tortured each other through years of strained relations, would I have chosen Tim?
Then there are the little transgressions... the lie I told my mom my senior year of high school, the candy hearts I ate out of a classmates desk in third grade, that Prada dress that I may never be able to squeeze into again....these things I do wish I could change.
But am I the sum of all of these parts? Do the minor roles added up make as much of an impact as the big deals?
I wish I had been diagnosed bipolar earlier. I wish I had attended just one college. I wish I had majored in Business. I wish I was currently a stock broker... or an actress... or a writer. But if any of those wishes had come to fruition, there would be no Teddy, no Annelise, no lovely 12 year marriage to Tim. Does wishing for these things now, devalue what I already have?
I chose Miami of Ohio to be close to my high school boyfriend. I left Miami for Washington & Lee because I was depressed. I met Tim through friends I had made at W&L.
There you go.
Lying, thieving, eating to excess and being depressed got me to where I am today.
Where and how do I take myself now?
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