I love my son; he is a beautiful, intelligent, articulate child. He is also the greatest challenge in my life. I am aware of the parallels between our relationship and the relationship I had with BioDad. Teddy is a first child, as was I, and he is, of course, from the opposite sex. The dynamics of our relationship continue to emulate those of my father/daughter relationship. Teddy and I are both strong willed and opinionated. We struggle for power over each other. I wonder now if I am more like my father than I had believed. Was I a threat? Did I challenge him? I try not to act like BioDad; I am demonstrative and affectionate. Teddy has been showered with love since he entered this world. He is a cherished child. However, I will admit that somedays I have to force myself to be loving. Is this normal? Am I going through motions to be a "good" parent? Since his conception, I have worried that Teddy would be bi-polar like me. I carefully assess nuances; why does he call himself "stupid" when reprimanded, is it OK for a 6 year old to cry this much, why hasn't parenting him become any easier? Is it harder to parent Teddy than Annelise because he is more like me? Is it possible that instead of being the narcissist I thought him to be, BioDad disliked himself and therefore disliked the child who seemed most like him?
Growing up, I always believed that I would be a better parent because I had experienced a bad one. Instead, have I grown up to become the same parent as my father? Or does simply asking myself this question make me a better parent than Sandy?
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