My mother asked me to stop writing my blog, although, to my knowledge, she has never read it. I'm not sure if she was speaking for herself or for the family, but apparently the idea that I am "airing dirty laundry" is frowned upon.
My mother read The Help. She loved it, even though she was raised in Mississippi in the privileged class. I thought perhaps she would be interested in my post about the book. She read about half before she stopped and yawned. She patted my shoulder absentmindedly and said "fun" when I asked for her reaction.
When do we stop looking to our parents for approval? When will I wake up and say to myself, "Ah, today I feel like a grown-up"? When does your own approval become enough?
I remember my senior year at Mary Washington I was taking an English course with a professor who encouraged us to write and to do so frequently. I took this encouragement seriously and brought my work to class to share. Evidently, I shared too much because I remember being rebuked for asking to read a newly written poem. I was stung. If that class wasn't the appropriate forum, if I couldn't find support there, where was I supposed to go?
I've always appreciated tangible results; I miss the grading system from school. I am rudderless in the open world, trying to navigate what I need to share and with whom I share it. I still crave approval.
In truth, I never should have expected more from my mother. She has loved me but she understands me about as well as I understand Quantum Physics. She has never asked to read my work and when I have foisted something upon her, I am always disappointed by her reaction.
Will I be able to appreciate my children's unique gifts? Will I read what is handed to me; will I watch what is performed; will I support that which I perhaps may not understand? I hope so.
As my mom left the room and continued to clean and organize my shabby life, I stood there crestfallen. I couldn't keep the baseboards clean or iron the clothes properly, but I bare myself with every post and strive to write honestly, persuasively. Will I recognize what is right and pure about Teddy? Will I be able to acknowledge Annelise's talents?
When will writing what is on my mind be its own reward?
3 comments:
You will recognize Teddy and Annelise's accomplishments because you know how important it is for parents to celebrate what is important to their children, even if it is not to you.
Sometimes we learn from our parents because they didn't do something and we yearned for them to do it. And, don't stop the blog! I love reading it and you have a wonderful way with words that I admire.
You are one of the most talented writers I have ever had the pleasure to know. You are incredible. You are able to convey all your emotion to a reader and make them feel your pain, regret, happiness, hopelessness, or love. I am always completely spent after I read your blog because I am actually feeling your emotion when I read it. I know that you will always seek your mother's approval but you know how much she loves you. Just because she cannot appreciate your writing does not mean that she can't appreciate you. Perhaps she can't read your blog because it is too painful for her. It is often hard for me to read about a friend that was in so much need and pain and I had no idea and did nothing to help.
Please, please don't stop blogging. I learn something from you every time I read and just wish I had your talent. I'm guessing that it also must be cathartic for you - which is a good thing.
And you are a GREAT mom! Just the fact that you recognize that it's hard to appreciate our children even if we don't understand them shows me that! I think all parents go through that and wonder if we'll ever "get" our kids.
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