Tight wire under the sun

There is a pale shimmer on the horizon.  Please let it be the sun.  The ceiling of the sky hangs low and grey over us.  It is hard to maintain a happy outlook when the sun hidden from view.  After all, I am in Florida, damn it.

Sanibel.  An endless stretch of shelly sand, clear water the temperature of a warm bath, palm trees lining the shore.  I love this place.  I came to it reluctantly... not wishing to intrude on my in-laws vacation; they have the use of a 3 bedroom condo for a month during the summer.  As they have 4 children, each child is invited to visit for a week.  Tim and I did not take them up on this offer until 4 years ago.  Now this place is in my blood.  It is not quite what New Orleans means to me but it is close.  There are no high rises, no bustling big hotels, no McDonalds or even a Starbucks.  What they do have is beyond my description... dolphin cruises and white sand, exotic shells and bicycles for rent, nature preserves and  Quack Quack Shrimp (although techinically that can be found on Captiva, at the Mucky Duck). 

I read, collect shells, eat at fabulous restaurants and sunbathe.  This year we played tennis until we had hit all the balls into the marsh and were reluctant to retrieve them as we had spotted an alligator sunbathing the day before. 

Yet, with all of this subdued atmosphere, I am not totally at ease.  We share this generous condo with Tim's parents, who are beneficent beyond reproach.  However, I am constantly reminded that I am not a true Gray.  Don't ask me why or how, it is just how I feel.

It is curious... marrying into a family.  You spend so much time and effort in courtship but the relationship with in-laws can be difficult to cultivate.  You have entered a family in the most intimate of fashions... how to you endear yourself to a family that might perceive that you have stolen something? 

My mother-in-law and I are different creatures.  Politically, relgiously, morally, educationally, sentimentally... we are at odds.  Polar ends.  Maybe... maybe we are too close to being similar.  I haven't figured it all out.  I do know that we vy for Tin's soul.  Sons and mothers, boys and lovers.  It's all so difficult to figure out. 

Tim is adopted.  This of course makes absolutely no difference at all to Tim or his parents. 

Tim is also married, a husband, father and provider.  He is no longer a boy, no longer under a thumb. 

Love is, as Pat Benatar so eloquently put it, a battlefield.  We wage war with ourselves, our dreams and hopes, our fantasies and our realities.  The best we can hope for is coming out scarred but smarter.

The waves ebb and flow.  The sun sinks low and taints the sky an impossible fiery peach.  My in-laws are out for the evening.  We order pizza in and gorge ourselves. 

In the end, a man cleaves to his wife.  It is not an easy reckoning.  Apron strings are hard to sever. 

The beach is fraught for me.  The idyllic setting, the intensely personal battle. 

Yet, I cannot fathom a year without Sanibel... without the leisurely walks, the shelling, the sun...

I guess what it all comes down to is temperance.  Know your strengths, work on your weaknesses, love without bounds, think within reason.... Love is the tightest wire we will walk.