Dark Day

I can feel it seeping into my bones.  It reminds me of being cold in New Orleans.... a more brutal cold than anywhere else because you don't expect it.  Maybe it begins with self loathing... not being able to fit into a dress, regretting that last drink the night before.  Maybe it is the miserable weather, the unseasonable cold, the low lying gray clouds.  I can feel it sinking its teeth into my soft flesh.  I am never immune, never fully protected; my armor is flawed.

I live with depression the way many people live with a few extra pounds; it hangs around and for the most part I can ignore it, but in a weak moment, it prays upon me.  This morning it has settled in my mind like a thick fog; it has blurred my vision, masking what is truly important.  My limbs feel heavy, my head is thick.  Coffee tastes bitter and food sounds repulsive.  I hear the siren call of sleep.  The unmade bed beckons to me, softly at first.  I feel compelled to abandon the day.

I long for sunshine.  If only the sun would break forth, dispelling the gloom, maybe I could dress, function. It is no small feat to sit here and force my fingers to peck away at the keyboard.  I know where I should be but lifting my feet seems beyond my strength.  The steel sky and chill wind do little to alleviate my burden.

I swallow my pills and press forward.  If I can push myself into even 10 minutes of Pilates, I know it will help.  Running would be ideal but the thought of dragging myself to the gym is to much to bear.  Baby steps.

There is much to be done.