When your expecting

We sat at her dining room table, steaming mugs of coffee before us.  Our daughters sat quietly in the next room, perusing books and somewhat watching T.V.

My medication has resurrected me and my friend and I banter easily so I felt warm and open.  Mothers.  Frequently my conversations with my adult girlfriends center around our mothers.  When do they cease to become infallible?  When do you recognize that they are human?  When do you finally stop craving approval?

I was eighteen when I struck my mother.  Almost as tall as she, it occurred to me that I no longer needed to physically fear her.  I'm not sure whether she was wrong or right or even what the argument might have been about but I do remember when she slapped me and the split second I decided to slap her back.  Only 21 years older than I, and going through a divorce and dating while I was dating as well, made our relationship tense during my teens.  I remember with clarity that it was then that I realized that my mother was not in possession of all the answers.

However, it has taken me years to accept that I crave an approval I may never receive.  I have touched on this topic before but as my grandmother lays dying, I am reevaluating my needs.  What if love is enough?  I know my mother loves me; it is indisputable.  What if her love was so great, she expected more FOR me, not from me?

I know that I expect so much for Annelise; will anything ever be good enough?

As I cradled Annelise soon after she had been born, I remember the terror I felt.  I had always wanted a son, whom I had, and was frightened at the thought of raising a girl.  Eventually, she would become  13. Bleck... I am not greatly anticipating the teenage years.

Yet all of the possible future angst seemed ludicrous as I stared at her lovely face.  Her eyes seemed to posses depths unimaginable.

Annelise has been a remarkable child, an fairy book child escaped from the sweetest of stories.  She is gentle and seems fragile but is incredibly capable of standing up for herself.  She is bright and assertive, patient and funny.  So now, as I have donned the mantle of motherhood, I realize I must answer questions cautiously, pose questions judiciously and listen attentively.  And love without expectation.