The daily struggle. What am I, who am I, without this disease? What would it feel like to walk after being immobile? Your whole life spent on the sideline, watching the game, cheering for others. Yeah. It's like that.
Facebook is a marvelous tool. Frightening, but marvelous. As I dredge up old memories and old friends, I wonder, who did they know? Who was I? I remember so well riding in a bus back to school after a tennis match... Jim Osbourne was reading some poetry of mine that I had recently submitted to an English teacher as part of an independent study. Drewry Atkins queried, "Isn't it good?" and Jim said "It's all so depressing". But could I have written a word without being depressed?
I take 5 pills a day to function. Just one of my prescriptions alone would cost $450 monthly without insurance. It is no small feat that I sit here today pondering my existence. I estimate that it takes about $700 a month to keep me alive, barring food and drink. Am I worth it? Can you put a price on what you contribute to your family, your neighborhood, the world?
Recently I read that a Stay-At-Home mom would earn an income of about $150K annually if paid. What is the measure of quality? Do my children get $150K worth of a mother?
1 comment:
Wow. I know how you feel. A few years back, a good friend told me she loved hanging out with me because I was always so happy. This, right before she asked me if I had ever cried. The serious tone in her voice was a slap in the face. I couldn't believe this woman, my then closest friend, didn't know I cried every day, often multiple times a day. I wonder every day who it is people think I am. I write about it, like you, on the internet [http://luzmcosta.com]. For me, it encourages me to keep telling my story, sharing my pain, exposing myself despite my instincts. Here's to both of us feeling, instead of just thinking and hoping, that we're valuable, and that we contribute in valuable ways.
Great post. I hope to read more.
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