Traveling to parts unknown

When I last visited Sonoma, the mustard was in bloom.  Hill after rolling hill dappled in yellow.  The naked twisted vines covered the land.  In the early morning, fog nestled in the valleys.  It was both a romantic and raucous trip as I was traveling with my husband as well as my brother and his wife.

I'm headed back to Sonoma next month, on a very different journey.  I am taking my mother for three days to Healdsburg.  The last trip my mother and I took together was a drive from Virginia to Mississippi for my Great Aunt Dot's funeral.  We listened to Delta Wedding and stopped at Cracker Barrels.

My mother is 22 years older than I.  When I think back upon my 22 year old self, I firmly believe that except in rare instances, no one younger than 30 should be allowed to have children.  Not that I suffered a terrible childhood or that my mother was incapable...

My mother was young, terribly naive and desperately in love.  My father was young, prematurely bitter and jaded, and out for his own glorification.

When they divorced, I was fifteen and wading into the dating pool.  Suddenly, so was my mother.

I have at times felt more like the 4th sister than my mother's first child.  Frequently, family members mistakenly call me Gussie, my aunt who is only 18 years older than I.  My grandaddy always referred to Gran as my mother; "Wait a minute Little Fannie, let me get your mother on the phone".  Gran herself use to tell me that she felt as if I were her child.

So where does that leave my relationship with my mother?

I have always felt a strong connection to my mother, part camaraderie, part protectiveness.  She is funny, warm and engaging.  At times, we have been severely cross with one another and once, terribly angry but never estranged.

Now, though, I find myself confronted with how to define our relationship.  Gran is gone.  Gran was my best friend and confidante but she was also my primary maternal figure.  At 39, do I still need a mother?

I'm not sure but I know this... I feel as though my fabric has been frayed and I am in desperate need of mending.  I cannot live the rest of my life without sharing with someone all that I shared with Gran.  I planned this trip originally for my mother, as her life is riddled with tragedy these days, but I recognize that I want more from this trip than some good wine.